Daily Idea

How to Break Up On Valentine’s Day

Is the thought of spending one more day with your significant other too much to handle, huh? Well, we at the Daily Idea understand. Sometimes that person can be too smothering or just not right. Either way you need to get out of that relationship ASAP… even if that means breaking up on Valentine’s Day.

So the Daily Idea’s Special Relationship Correspondent, Joe Bennett has some simple, yet effective ways you can break up with your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Hi, I’m Nikki Key and you are watching another Daily Idea.

So the thought of spending one more day with your significant other is too much to handle, huh? Well, we at the Daily Idea understand. Sometimes that person can be too smothering or just not right or like that girl from “Swim Fan”…totally hot in the beginning, but super psycho killer in the end. Either way you need to get out of that relationship ASAP…even if that means breaking up on Valentine’s Day.
So the Daily Idea’s Special Relationship Correspondent, Joe Bennett has some simple, yet effective ways you can break up with your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.

(Joe in a robe lounging on a couch with candles lit)
JOE: Oh…hello there. I’m Special Relationship Correspondent Joe Bennett reporting from my love lair. Welcome. I’m glad you stopped by. So you need help breaking things off with that lady of yours, huh? Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’m going to give you not one, not two, but three sure fire ways to break up with your lover on St. Valentine’s Day. Let’s do this…
(for transitions make it look really 80’s with a quick electric guitar solo)
(bed with lots of covers)
JOE: Our first break up method is for you traditional types. Just give her the old standard break up lines. Yeah, they are cliché, but they work. Trust me. Just try these…
(empty chair; Joe sitting down into it each time he says a break up line; quick cuts)
BREAK UP LINES
“Look, its not you, its me.”
“I just think we are better together as friends.”
“You just like pickles way too much.”
“I’m just not in a good place right now.”
“We just want different things.”
“I can’t be with someone that doesn’t love Neil Diamond.”
“If you love somebody, you’ve got to let them go.”
“You deserve better than me.”
“I would rather lose a leg than spend one more minute with you.”
(back to Joe lounging)
JOE: Easy enough…What?!? That won’t work…overdone, right? Alright, then I’ve got another break-up method that will totally work for you. Send her singing telegram.

(girl sitting at a desk or table; ideally a door would be near)
(knock on the door; she opens; Joe enters in a cow costume)
JOE: Are you Moo-lissa?
MELISSA: Yes. What’s going on?
JOE: I’ve got a special singing telegram from your boyfriend, Andy.
MELISSA: Oh my gosh…he is so sweet.
JOE: I am your singing Valentine
Normally I’d sing, “Oh, Moo-lissa, please be mine.”
But Andy has requested something ‘udderly’ unique
He seems to think your relationship has finally reached its peak
He’s milked this thing for all its worth
He never wants to see you again…Seriously.
(leave time for awkward moment between the two)
JOE: I take tips.
(back to Joe lounging)
JOE: See, it’s that easy! Still not what you’re looking for, eh? OK. You’re wanting to really send her the message that its final. I hear ya’. Then this last break-up method is for you – fake your own death.
(Girl in a room looking for her boyfriend; boyfriend is in another room)
GIRL: Joe! Joe! Joe! (panic hits her voice as she searches) (she discovers Joe lying on the ground ‘dead’) Oh no! Joe! Please don’t leave me…I can’t live without you…oh…(picks up limp body and holds him with her back to camera; shot should be of the back of her head and shoulder and Joe’s face)
JOE: (quietly to the camera) Works every time…shh…
GIRL: Joe…
(Joe immediately falls back over ‘dead’ and she goes back to holding and rocking him; Joe looks back up and winks)

JOE: If that last method doesn’t work, then you’ve got one sick girlfriend. So if you need to get rid of that girlfriend of yours on Valentine’s Day, just follow one of my simple methods and you will be free from Cupid’s arrows this year. I’m Special Relationship Correspondent, Joe Bennett…back to you Nikki.

NIKKI: Thanks Joe. And that’s another Daily Idea.

Share This