How To Overcome Infertility (And Be a Baby Daddy/Mama)
January 10th, 2008 Posted in Good to Know, Social, HealthIf you date or are married, at some point you’ll have to talk about having kids. Actually, 15% of all couples battle infertility. Comedian, Mike Doe developed this program guaranteed to get you pregnant in three weeks and without spending your share of the $500 billion fertility industry.
For more on Mike’s Three Week Infertility Guarantee, visit MikeDoe.net.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
I’m Nikki Key and you’re watching another Daily Idea.
Sooner or later you, or your significant other is going to broach the subject of having children. It’s not something to be taken lightly. In fact, 15 percent of all couples battle infertility.
We sent the cracked Daily Idea research team to interview infertility doctors to find out how we could offer advice to anyone out there facing this difficult challenge. Of course, they didn’t come back with anything useful. Hey? Would you sit and listen to boring Doctor Finklestein if you knew the bathroom was full of porn?
So we turned to Mike Doe, a humor writer and amateur gynecologist who has developed a program guaranteed to get you pregnant in three weeks and without spending your share of the 500 billion dollar fertility industry.
I mean, come on. You’ve been trying too long if you’re now referring to the ovulation predictor test as being down with O-P-T.
First up, lower your standards. If you or your spouse are shooting blanks, that’s fine. Just find a willing third party who isn’t. All you need is someone legal … and for our friends in Arkansas, that means no one in your immediate family, a first cousin and anyone under 18 … ish.
Step two – lubrication. And we’re not talking about the jelly, kids. We’re talking about hooch. Nothing gets the zygotes hoppin’ like Jaeger bombs, Mad Dog or my personal favorite … Brass Monkey. If you don’t believe beer bongs and tequila shooters aren’t good predictors for conception, ask your parents.
Lick, slam, suck! Dad.
Step three is a tricky one but makes sense when you think about how many kids you see at flea markets, state fairs and all-you-can-eat pizza buffet birthday parties. Use every kind of contraceptive known to man.
Pills, sponges, funky yoga positions and condoms … at least two condoms … preferably multi-colored. Trust us! Approximately 75 percent of all trailer park kids are conceived against all odds.
And the fourth step to overcoming your infertility problems … Rinse and Repeat.
You know, on second thought … skip the rinse.
Mike’s guarantee is that three weeks of shacking up, redneck or ghetto style and nine months later, you too will be a Baby Daddy or Baby Mama. Mullet sold separately.
For more on Mike’s Three Week Infertility Guarantee, visit MikeDoe.net.
And that’s another Daily Idea.
