Hi, I’m Nikki Key and you’re watching the Daily Idea. It’s almost New Year’s Eve, gang, and we’re here to give you a few suggestions on throwing your very own party. Rather than competing with a million other parties that will be waaaay better than yours, why not throw the world’s worst party on New Year’s?
Start by inviting all the wrong people. Put together the worst possible combination of your friends and neighbors. Invite parents with annoying kids, but specify to your other guests the party is kid-free. Invite liberals, conservatives and mimes then start conversations about abortion and the need for more invisible prisons.
Bad parties can be saved with good food, but not if you serve the wrong kind and don’t serve enough of it. Serve foods at your party that aren’t easy to eat. Break out your old fondue set but only put out one of the skewer. Watch as people awkwardly try to share. Instead of using chocolate or cheese, go with something obscure like lukewarm hollandaise sauce with whole bananas. Brag that it’s your grandmother’s recipe.
By now your guests will be anxious to start drinking. Insist that everyone wait on the alcohol until everyone arrives. Start the party at six, but make sure you tell one of your guests the party kicks off at eight. Have everyone to bring their favorite alcohol. As your guests arrive take their coats and their alcohol – put the alcohol in a communal area but just throw their coats wherever. Confiscate the really good stuff and hide it. Make an announcement thanking everyone for being a good sport and helping you “Stock the Bar” and make a big show when you put out a six pack of the cheap beer you bought at the gas station.
Now that everyone’s in their own private hell, it’s time for really awful games. Once everyone is half in the bag, play the game where everyone points out their spouse’s biggest flaw. When that’s over, put everyone’s name in hat and draw them out one at a time. If a man’s name is drawn, have the group guess his salary. If it’s a woman, have the group guess her weight.
Your guests are counting the minutes to midnight. Don’t let them get there. At 11:15 start cleaning up. Say things like, “We’ve got a lot of things to do tomorrow.” At 11:30 turn off the experimental jazz you’ve been listening to. Get the coats and start handing them out. If your subtlety doesn’t work, have your spouse sneak upstairs and call in a report of domestic violence. Whatever you do, get these people in their cars before midnight.
With a little planning and a lot of contempt for your friends, you can throw a bad party for the ages. And that’s another Daily Idea.