It’s almost Halloween judging by all the weird inflatables in your neighbor’s yard. Halloween means two things: first, you need a costume. Second, you need to schedule the day after Halloween off because, let’s face it, you’re going to get hammered again this year.
But back to the costume. The fact is, what you wear Halloween night says a lot about you. Daily Idea contacted The International Council on Ridiculous Halloween Costumes to help you avoid saying too much with your get up before you ever open your mouth.
Let’s start with what we call the “one trick pony” costume. The one trick pony is basically just one big sight gag that gets old after about two minutes. It’s even less funny when you have to explain the joke. The one trick pony says “I was too lazy to go all out for a costume and so I just settled for a big prop. I’m just here for the beer.” This guy ponied up twenty five bucks for a big novelty magnet with little chicks on it. He’s a chick magnet, get it. This is about as hilarious as a colonoscopy. And isn’t “chick magnet” a little arrogant? If you really wanna be a chick magnet, guys, dress yourself as a wad of cash.
Women aren’t immune from choosing bad costumes. Check out “the skank.” Ladies, this kind of costume practically screams, “My degree’s in accounting, but my heart’s in exotic dancing.” Even if you have the body for this, guys will never take you seriously again if you wear it. Two weeks from now, someone is going to leave a paper hat from Long John Silver’s on your desk. There’s just no going back from this costume.
This one’s called “The Dirtbag” and you cannot wear this unless you are the biggest dirtbag you know. This costume says, “I’m a total jerk and the last time I dated seriously it was an older woman my mom set me up with from her book club.” This is the guy that still wears number sixty nine on his rec league softball team. We all know this guy. We just don’t like him.
Oh wow. This is “the Geek.” This costume says, “I’ve seen The Empire Strikes Back a hundred and forty two times. I went to my senior prom with my out-of-town cousin.” The truth is, when it comes to Star Wars, you’re either a fanatic or you’re not. If you show up dressed in full storm trooper regalia, it’s like a plumber going dressed as a plumber for Halloween. Your friends know you’ve worn this baby many, many times before at those conventions you go to. And if you stood in line for two days in this thing before the Revenge of the Sith premier, it ain’t a costume. It’s a lifestyle.
An adults as a cartoon character is never a good choice. Kids go as cartoon characters for Halloween. We all expect a little more creativity from adults. This one’s called the “Big Secret,” and this guy has a big one. This particular costume says “Everyone, listen up for a second. I have something to say and it’s only going to surprise my straight friends.” People, please avoid cartoon characters altogether this year.
From everyone here at the Daily Idea, have a safe and happy Halloween. If you’re drinking, don’t drive. And if you choose any of these costumes, don’t say we didn’t warn you.